Unfortunately they don't pay enough so I had to start a second job recently and I'm already exhausted from working both. I'm still going to hang of the other place, but I don't think I'm going to get the hang of working two jobs again.
The last time I tried this I worked at 7-Eleven on 3rd Shift and I tried to have a morning shift job so I just passed out after them since I was always awake until noon or 1:00 anyway. Apparently working 7-Eleven overnight 10:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. and then trying to work at a place 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. was not happening no matter how bad I wanted it to because I lasted there maybe 2 weeks before I crashed from exhaustion.
I take that back I did try working in a car wash recently and they threw me in the tunnel, which put thousands of dollars of liability on my shoulders, Less Than 3 days into the job. I ended up quitting there because the reason I was thrown in the tunnel was because the closer ended up quitting and one assistant manager promised the other assistant manager that I would run the tunnel all night if he, the closing AM, wouldn't quit because of having to work alone all night like he was threatening to.
That same day though, the opener had pulled a no call no show for the second day in a row. So with the opener pulling a no-call no-show, and one closer quit in the same day, when the rats start jumping ship like that I know how to take the sign and go.
Even if I had wanted to stay, I really don't think I could have. The noise from the tunnel, coupled with the anxiety of these people not knowing how to slowly pull up to a lane and almost being hit three times within my second day, I don't think I could have lasted. I wish I could have because the job was actually kind of fun, but the tunnel itself was way too noisy for me to ever be useful in there.
Since the last time I was posting on this blog I've found out I have autism and ADHD, which definitely explains the noise over stimulation I can get sometimes. So that job definitely would not have been a good long-lasting fit for me.
Honestly, in the scheme of things, I'm fucking tired. I'm not just physically tired from working two jobs, I'm also mentally tired and all in all just ready to throw in the towel.
I feel like every time I take one step forward or even two steps, I fall backwards down the entire set of stairs and have to start back over from the beginning. Like, I'll make progress and start getting ahead and then something comes along that zaps all the funds I've managed to save up, or I get sick and I end up having to lose days at work so I end up missing money, and I'm honestly wondering what's the point in pushing as hard as I am anymore.
I really wish my ex-girlfriend hadn't made me think she was dead for 6 months before coming out of hiding and letting me know that she hadn't killed herself but she had just been having an affair for 6 months. The only reason I even found out was because he cheated on her and she was hoping I would take her back. She said the reason she did it was she didn't want to deal with the awkwardness of telling me she was wanting a break from us. Even though that was the rule.
With her living in Australia at the time and me living in the states, we had a rule that if one of us found someone we wanted to try something out with closer to home we would let the other know so we could take a proper break and not end up cheating on each other. There should not have been any awkward conversation because it was what we both agreed on. I would say the conversation of her coming back after being "dead" for 6 months with a lot more awkward than if she had just asked for a damn break from the get-go.
Why do I wish she hadn't done that? Because leading up into it she had been telling me that her mental illness was taking a turn for the worst again and she was looking at going back to her psychiatrist for a couple of weeks. This wasn't unusual, she had a better access to mental health care than I did so I didn't think anything of it. But then she went quiet for months at that time, and I was like...shit... I failed her. I spent almost that entire 6 months full of guilt, full of misery and wishing I had been able to do something or anything at all to keep her from doing that when we both leaned on each other all the time. But instead she was just having an affair.
But the time I spent with all of that survivor's guilt, as well as feeling like I let her down somehow, showed me what it was like for a survivor of somebody who took their own life and now I can't give that pain to somebody else. I want nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up but I don't want to hurt anyone the way she hurt me.
I'm not saying I want her dead, or wish that she actually had killed herself, but I really wish I didn't have this firsthand knowledge for nothing. I guess I'm trying to say I wish I didn't have it at all. If I didn't know what this guilt felt like then I would have no trouble just going ahead and going to bed like I want to but I can't. Because I know how much I would be hurting somebody if I did this shit.
Aside from her I'm also pissed at the mother fucker who pulled a gun on me one day in Atlanta.
Almost hit me while merging into my lane, and when I flashed my brights at him one time as I'm getting off the highway, he follows me off the highway and ends up waving his gun at me while screaming threats amd shit. I didn't even care that there was a gun in my face. I was just pissed that someone had almost hit me and then had the audacity to be mad at ME for not being okay with that.
But in the aftermath of it I was so fucking mad at him for not pulling that goddamn trigger, because he didn't do what he could have done but I never can. He waved that fucking dinner plate in my face and then drove off, leaving need to realize just how bad my mental state was anymore. I was content for a long time thinking I was okay just pushing through and living what life I had to, but then he showed me a doorway and then slammed the bitch shut. Asshole.
I really don't mean to keep making dark posts like these, but this is just what I'm dealing with these days. I'm struggling to even keep going, feeling like it's for nothing and no one because nobody around me actually fucking appreciates what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm just this massive placeholder for everybody in my life because it's always me checking on them and never the other way around. It's always them leaning on me but the minute I need them they're nowhere to be found.
Shaun and I got into it recently because I opened up around him and he didn't like what I was saying so because he kept telling me to shut up I told him fine I'm not going to talk to you about anything anymore. His response? "About fucking time you get it."
I've known him since 1997, kept all of his secrets, excepted him when others shut him out for being trans, supported him through hell and back, even got forced into unwilling acts with his dad when that man was our only option for financial support. But not only does he not want me talking to him, it's about fucking time I get it... So he's been trying to get me to stop talking to him but hasn't directly told me that. He's just been getting mean and condescending when I try talking, and now I get it... Wish I had gotten it sooner...
I think I need to go ahead and hop off here. I'm getting too emotional for my current surroundings. Might come back later, not sure yet.
