I gave up

I know I said I was going to be going over the bullet points and getting you guys all up to date, but there's no point. I'm giving up. 

Shit has gotten too hard to keep going. The physical pain has gotten worse, the mental abuse has gotten worse, nothing is getting better, it's just one more thing after another and I can't fucking take it. It never ends.

"It'll get better" Bitch when? When the FUCK does it get better? I've heard that motherfucking platitude since goddamn 1996. ALMOST 30 FUCKING YEARS LATER, STILL NOT BETTER. It's a goddamn lie. I'm going to be 40 next year and I'm STILL fucking suicidal because nothing changes, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm still worth less than a can of beer to the person I've known since '97. I'm still unwanted by my own family. The family I made for myself fell apart. Still not enough to stick around for. Still not enough to love or even give basic human decency to. Still being abused, gaslit, manipulated, guilted, and forced into being what those around me want me to be. Still put after others even when those same people tell me I need to learn how to take care of myself.

When?  When the actual fuck can I take care of MYSELF when I'm always taking care of others? Or I'm at work trying to earn the scraps that barely keep a roof over my head, where customers berate me for their imaginary slights while I'm just trying to do my job? 

It never ends. 

Whether I'm at home or at work I am nothing more than a fucking place holder in people's lives. I've never been the highlight of their day, or the one they want to come home to. No. I'm the one they fucking use up and drop like a bad habit, then guilt me when I don't want them coming back later.

I've tried so hard to find some kind of happiness, but that bitch is fucking Waldo. I don't even want the world.  I just want someone to fucking love me and mean it. I want to be someone's someone, their highlight, with the good and the bad, as long as they actually love ME and not what they think they can get from me. And friends that don't make me feel like I matter less than a can of beer to them. Why is that so much to ask? Why is it too much to just be enough?

I can't do this anymore. I've airways kept going newscaster I didn't want to hurt anyone, but no one cares of they hurt me, even though some of them know my struggles, so fuck them.

Fuck them. Fuck this pain. Fuck struggling to make ends meet despite working 40 hours a week. Fuck all of it. I'm done.