*****Warning, this blog contains some pretty dark views and rantings, so if you're not in the mood to read downer stuff, tune in next time. Hopefully it'll be better then.*****

I just don't know what to do anymore... I really don't. I'm losing what little will I have left, and it's going fast. It's like my dam broke and everything is over-flowing too fast for me to fix it in any way.

1) I didn't get Walgreens because the detox I usually do failed me this time, so the shot I had at a second job is fucked. So I need to hit the streets again to look for a different job possibility, while trying to explain to Domino's why I didn't start up at Walgreens. - On that note, I don't think I'll be hanging out with Mary for a while.

2) I still have no car, so job hunting/interviews are a bitch right now, almost damn near impossible. Somehow on my pathetic paycheck, until Xan gets a job, I have to find money for food (we're out), rent (we're almost homeless), and save up for a car... I'm stretched so far right now, and there are no day labor places around me to where I can make some fast money. All my secret shop places don't have anything in my area that I can even get to, there's just so much...

3) Going back to #1, the only reason I smoke is for my back pain. Every single day of my life, I am in pain, in one way or another due to problems with my back, that cause shock waves into my hips and legs. I have an ulcer so I can't take the amount of pills I need to even touch the pain in my back. Honestly the way I see it is this. I can either smoke something that causes momentary loopyness, maybe hunger, maybe drowsiness, and then it's gone later. Or I can take pills that come with worse side-effects, including messing with my ulcer.

I need to live in somewhere like CO where it wouldn't matter anymore, so I could be pain free without turning into a pill head or worrying about Johnny Law knocking on my door. This whole anti-weed thing going on in USA is stupid. It really is. I never smoke before work, only after, I don't even risk smoking until after I'm sure I won't be called in, or if it's too late and works calls after I started, guess what? I can't get a ride, or I had a drink, I can't come in. The only irresponsible thing I do is the fact that I smoke weed. That's it. And it's caused me to not get a second job, which I desperately need, all because there are people who don't take the precautions I do.

4) Xan still does not have a job. He has possibilities, but that's about it. I need more results than that, especially if I'm going to let him keep staying here. I do need him around for a second check when he does get a job, but he needs to get it first to be useful. Right now, he's just using resources we really can't spare...

That's pretty much it... As I said earlier, sorry this was a downer blog, I'm just feeling the weight of everything coming down. To be honest I haven't eaten in 24 hours and with how stressed and depressed I am, I'm not even hungry...

Signing off,
Lily