I gave up

I know I said I was going to be going over the bullet points and getting you guys all up to date, but there's no point. I'm giving up. 

Shit has gotten too hard to keep going. The physical pain has gotten worse, the mental abuse has gotten worse, nothing is getting better, it's just one more thing after another and I can't fucking take it. It never ends.

"It'll get better" Bitch when? When the FUCK does it get better? I've heard that motherfucking platitude since goddamn 1996. ALMOST 30 FUCKING YEARS LATER, STILL NOT BETTER. It's a goddamn lie. I'm going to be 40 next year and I'm STILL fucking suicidal because nothing changes, no matter how hard I try. 

I'm still worth less than a can of beer to the person I've known since '97. I'm still unwanted by my own family. The family I made for myself fell apart. Still not enough to stick around for. Still not enough to love or even give basic human decency to. Still being abused, gaslit, manipulated, guilted, and forced into being what those around me want me to be. Still put after others even when those same people tell me I need to learn how to take care of myself.

When?  When the actual fuck can I take care of MYSELF when I'm always taking care of others? Or I'm at work trying to earn the scraps that barely keep a roof over my head, where customers berate me for their imaginary slights while I'm just trying to do my job? 

It never ends. 

Whether I'm at home or at work I am nothing more than a fucking place holder in people's lives. I've never been the highlight of their day, or the one they want to come home to. No. I'm the one they fucking use up and drop like a bad habit, then guilt me when I don't want them coming back later.

I've tried so hard to find some kind of happiness, but that bitch is fucking Waldo. I don't even want the world.  I just want someone to fucking love me and mean it. I want to be someone's someone, their highlight, with the good and the bad, as long as they actually love ME and not what they think they can get from me. And friends that don't make me feel like I matter less than a can of beer to them. Why is that so much to ask? Why is it too much to just be enough?

I can't do this anymore. I've airways kept going newscaster I didn't want to hurt anyone, but no one cares of they hurt me, even though some of them know my struggles, so fuck them.

Fuck them. Fuck this pain. Fuck struggling to make ends meet despite working 40 hours a week. Fuck all of it. I'm done. 

Current Life Events

Taking a break from going over previous events to go a little current. I mentioned in the Bulletpoints post that I currently work at a Circle K. I've been there since about August of 2022 and I like it. As always it's the upper management that bugs me but at least it's not because they're assholes, they just don't know how to make you feel valued as an employee. I would rather not feel valued as an employee then be treated like absolute garbage, like what I was used to at Domino's.

Unfortunately they don't pay enough so I had to start a second job recently and I'm already exhausted from working both. I'm still going to hang of the other place, but I don't think I'm going to get the hang of working two jobs again.

The last time I tried this I worked at 7-Eleven on 3rd Shift and I tried to have a morning shift job so I just passed out after them since I was always awake until noon or 1:00 anyway. Apparently working 7-Eleven overnight 10:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. and then trying to work at a place 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. was not happening no matter how bad I wanted it to because I lasted there maybe 2 weeks before I crashed from exhaustion.

I take that back I did try working in a car wash recently and they threw me in the tunnel, which put thousands of dollars of liability on my shoulders, Less Than 3 days into the job. I ended up quitting there because the reason I was thrown in the tunnel was because the closer ended up quitting and one assistant manager promised the other assistant manager that I would run the tunnel all night if he, the closing AM, wouldn't quit because of having to work alone all night like he was threatening to. 

That same day though, the opener had pulled a no call no show for the second day in a row. So with the opener pulling a no-call no-show, and one closer quit in the same day, when the rats start jumping ship like that I know how to take the sign and go.

Even if I had wanted to stay, I really don't think I could have. The noise from the tunnel, coupled with the anxiety of these people not knowing how to slowly pull up to a lane and almost being hit three times within my second day, I don't think I could have lasted. I wish I could have because the job was actually kind of fun, but the tunnel itself was way too noisy for me to ever be useful in there.

Since the last time I was posting on this blog I've found out I have autism and ADHD, which definitely explains the noise over stimulation I can get sometimes. So that job definitely would not have been a good long-lasting fit for me.

Honestly, in the scheme of things, I'm fucking tired. I'm not just physically tired from working two jobs, I'm also mentally tired and all in all just ready to throw in the towel.

I feel like every time I take one step forward or even two steps, I fall backwards down the entire set of stairs and have to start back over from the beginning. Like, I'll make progress and start getting ahead and then something comes along that zaps all the funds I've managed to save up, or I get sick and I end up having to lose days at work so I end up missing money, and I'm honestly wondering what's the point in pushing as hard as I am anymore.

I really wish my ex-girlfriend hadn't made me think she was dead for 6 months before coming out of hiding and letting me know that she hadn't killed herself but she had just been having an affair for 6 months. The only reason I even found out was because he cheated on her and she was hoping I would take her back. She said the reason she did it was she didn't want to deal with the awkwardness of telling me she was wanting a break from us. Even though that was the rule.

With her living in Australia at the time and me living in the states, we had a rule that if one of us found someone we wanted to try something out with closer to home we would let the other know so we could take a proper break and not end up cheating on each other. There should not have been any awkward conversation because it was what we both agreed on. I would say the conversation of her coming back after being "dead" for 6 months with a lot more awkward than if she had just asked for a damn break from the get-go.

Why do I wish she hadn't done that? Because leading up into it she had been telling me that her mental illness was taking a turn for the worst again and she was looking at going back to her psychiatrist for a couple of weeks. This wasn't unusual, she had a better access to mental health care than I did so I didn't think anything of it. But then she went quiet for months at that time, and I was like...shit... I failed her. I spent almost that entire 6 months full of guilt, full of misery and wishing I had been able to do something or anything at all to keep her from doing that when we both leaned on each other all the time. But instead she was just having an affair.

But the time I spent with all of that survivor's guilt, as well as feeling like I let her down somehow, showed me what it was like for a survivor of somebody who took their own life and now I can't give that pain to somebody else. I want nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up but I don't want to hurt anyone the way she hurt me.

I'm not saying I want her dead, or wish that she actually had killed herself, but I really wish I didn't have this firsthand knowledge for nothing. I guess I'm trying to say I wish I didn't have it at all. If I didn't know what this guilt felt like then I would have no trouble just going ahead and going to bed like I want to but I can't. Because I know how much I would be hurting somebody if I did this shit.

Aside from her I'm also pissed at the mother fucker who pulled a gun on me one day in Atlanta.

Almost hit me while merging into my lane,  and when I flashed my brights at him one time as I'm getting off the highway, he follows me off the highway and ends up waving his gun at me while screaming threats amd shit. I didn't even care that there was a gun in my face. I was just pissed that someone had almost hit me and then had the audacity to be mad at ME for not being okay with that.

But in the aftermath of it I was so fucking mad at him for not pulling that goddamn trigger, because he didn't do what he could have done but I never can. He waved that fucking dinner plate in my face and then drove off, leaving need to realize just how bad my mental state was anymore. I was content for a long time thinking I was okay just pushing through and living what life I had to, but then he showed me a doorway and then slammed the bitch shut. Asshole.

I really don't mean to keep making dark posts like these, but this is just what I'm dealing with these days. I'm struggling to even keep going, feeling like it's for nothing and no one because nobody around me actually fucking appreciates what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm just this massive placeholder for everybody in my life because it's always me checking on them and never the other way around. It's always them leaning on me but the minute I need them they're nowhere to be found.

Shaun and I got into it recently because I opened up around him and he didn't like what I was saying so because he kept telling me to shut up I told him fine I'm not going to talk to you about anything anymore. His response? "About fucking time you get it." 

I've known him since 1997, kept all of his secrets, excepted him when others shut him out for being trans, supported him through hell and back, even got forced into unwilling acts with his dad when that man was our only option for financial support. But not only does he not want me talking to him, it's about fucking time I get it... So he's been trying to get me to stop talking to him but hasn't directly told me that. He's just been getting mean and condescending when I try talking, and now I get it... Wish I had gotten it sooner...

I think I need to go ahead and hop off here. I'm getting too emotional for my current surroundings. Might come back later, not sure yet.

Let's talk about Domino's

 I really did go for a ride working at Domino's. As much as I miss the work itself, and might go back to work for Domino's (either corporate or a different franchise), it will never be Team Cowabunga.

 The last thing I posted on here was about me being on track to being a GM, turns out they're called OP (Operating Partners), and Tanner was helping me with my progress.

Tanner ended up being one of the best managers I ever had. His only fault was that he didn't really get in the middle of employee drama, even when a manager SHOULD step in.  For example, there was another AM, his name was Joey, and Tanner had me start training him up as soon as he got hired because part of the 4 step AM program was being able to successfully train up new employees, and any new employees he got in he had me training as part of my training. Obviously he kept an eye on it and tweaked my performance where need be, so he knew I was on the right track when he put Joey in my hands.

I helped Joey out in so many ways, and even though I was specifically told to mentor him and help him move along, anytime I tried to point out something wrong, Joey would go off on me. I mean full on belittling, yelling, insulting, would harass me via text even when I wasn't on the clock. It got so bad that one day I was at work on an opening shift and Joey came in, off the clock, to go off on me for something he thought I messed up the night before. He didn't care that our coworkers were there to here it, and he didn't leave until we started getting some walk ins and I had food to make. He didn't know I recorded the whole thing since I hit record on my phone when I saw him storming up to the store's doors.

I had Tanner listen to it, since Joey never did this shit in front of him and would never act on heresay, and all he did was talk to Joey about it but then did nothing when Joey blew up at me at a later day for "recording him like a bitch". 

I wasn't the only one Joey had issues with, but Tanner never stepped up as manager to do something about the way he was turning our store into a toxic and hostile work place. And that company is already toxic enough as it is.

Granted, there was only so much Tanner could do, if he would've at least tried, but Joey really couldn't decide who to be mad at or why.

Just to give a few examples, Joey's half black, half Puerto Rican, but if you don't know him personally and have no idea he's a mix, he looks like he's just black and not any kind of mix. If you called him black, he'd be quick to inform you in a rude way that he was half Puerto Rican and tell you to remember that and not insult him again. But if you had any kind of issue with his attitude, ATTITUDE, or had some issue with how he was speaking to you, now you have a problem with him because he's black....What? Your skin color isn't making you rude, you're just being an ass and trying to bring an Uno card to a Poker game.

He even tried pulling the race card with some customers when they called him out (rightfully) for how rude he was being not only to them but sometimes his coworkers too. There was another AM he almost got into a fist fight with because other dude, AJ, didn't put up with Joey's kind of shit. All of us at the store were surprised there weren't any actual, physical fights. But Joey's big mouth did cost him one day, at a very public event, and no one let him live it down.

There was a big work event for the franchise held at a hotel/convention center. I'm talking every single higher up, all the way up to the franchisee himself. Everyone you don't want to see you acting like an idiot was there. They gave everyone the option of getting a room, or just driving there for each of the two days if they were close by. Joey ended up taking a room because there would be an open bar. I went home, but ended up wishing I had stayed. I found out when I came back the next day that Joey got wasted and forgot to behave himself. 

I no longer remember all the details, but at the time this happened everyone was "off the clock" from the work part of the meet up so the open bar got hit. Groups of OPs were all hanging out and in two nearby groups, Joey is in one, this other OP (also black) is in the other. Joey was apparently a loud and obnoxious drunk - which makes sense because he was loud and obnoxious when sober - and was even throwing shade at other OPs from other regions. Something to keep in mind, Joey had only been an official manager for a couple of months at this point. He was given the store he had been trained in so he was just continuing a routine he was used to and it was going well for him because of things Tanner had put in place before he moved to another store. So none of the shade he's throwing at these long time OPs was valid and he was pissing people off.

The other OP in question finally told him to stop running his mouth before someone did it for him and Joey shot back, asking if he (other OP) was the "right n****r" to do the job. Next thing everyone knows, Joey's unconscious on the ground. Because everyone was "off the clock" no one was punished. Joey dealing with being banned from open bars from then on and having to explain why was his long running punishment.

You would think that getting laid out by someone - and nothing being done about it - would be enough to straighten him up. Nope. He ended up going off some an elderly white lady who was upset her pizza was wrong and telling her to not be so picky when she's going to die next week anyway. Of course he tried to sue for racial discrimination, and no, he didn't win.

People like Joey are the worse examples of humanity. Like, there is enough negativity out there, and enough toxic crap in the world, why do you have to add to it? Why do you have to set such bad examples and leave such an negative impact on somone's life when that person was actively trying to help you learn and grow so you could move ahead with them? 

I could've understood his issues with me if I had been trying to sabotage him, or hold him back somehow, but every tip or trick I tried to help with was looked down. I was told so many times I should quit trying to be a manager because I wouldn't get anywhere. When he found out I was getting my own store before he was (despite my being with the company longer, and further ahead in the 4 step program than him) he made my last day at the store a living nightmare. Trashing me, yelling at me for this or that, telling me I got something wrong when I didn't, even getting up in my face when I was making food that he was apparently about to make. As if I was a mind reader and knew what he was about to do.

There are a lot more stories I could go into with him, but honestly, he's a blip on my radar compared to Mike Chastain. God fuuuuuuck Mike Chastain. This motherfucker right here is the one that really fucked with me. I'm still deeply effected by what happened with him. This man personally made my life a living hell during the almost 2 years I was an OP. Before I get into him, I'm going to need a minute. And I kind of want to knock out my bullet points bit by bit with some current stuff in between, so I think I'm going to cover Domino's in a couple of parts and call it quits for now. My back's bugging me and all I want to do is lay down.

Hope you all had a safe weekend.

Holy hell has it been a while... (AKA - Bulletpoints)

 May 3, 2014 was the last time I posted, and it's definitely been a ride... I guess a few bullet points to knock out the big things would be a good place to star.

 

• I'm no longer at Domino's
• Though I did get as far as having my own store at one point.
  
• I'm not living at the old hotel anymore
• My family did go to Ohio.
• My gram died in 2017 and I've been no contact with my mom's side of the family since
• My dad did January this year (don't send condolences, he was a sack of shit)
• My friend and I are hardly friends anymore
• He got into a relationship that's caused strain between us. Not out of jealousy, but from actions on both his/her parts.
• Worst part is he either doesn't see it or doesn't care.
  
• I'm living in a new hotel after moving from the hold hotel to a shed that had been converted into a tiny house, then into a duplex (landlord caused a fire in the other, empty half), then into one apartment then another, until now this hotel.
• I'm honestly beginning to think I'm never going to live in my own home again and that is not doing good for my mental health
• I was a rideshare driver after I left Domino's, now I work at a Circle K.
• I had my own car for a bit but my friend totaled it
• Haven't been able to have my own car since, though I was on the rental program with Lyft to be able to continue to drive.
• Currently on Flexcar and hating it, but there's no public transit in my area and too many hills to have a bike.
• I've realized I'm pan sexual. (Basically bisexual but trans inclusive)
• But on that note I've given up on love because no on actually tries anymore. Plus with my past traumas I need a level of time and patient and (earned) trust that no one can handle waiting through.
• Guess I'm just tired of being cheated on because I'm "too much trouble".
• I still live in Georgia, though I have tried several times to move back to FL.
• Seems like every single time I'm about to, something happens that stops it. I fucking hate it. There's not even anything here for me but a guy who can't decide if he wants a serious thing with me or not and leaves me feeling like a side piece when he doesn't even have a current relationship.
• I still have my dog Jack. I can't remember if I ever talked about him. I know I got him in September of 2013, he's going to be 13 this year. Like all puppy parents I wish I could forever stop his aging.
• I genuinely don't know what will happen to me when he's gone. I feel so fucking alone and lonely in this miserable world, and he's literally the only thing keeping me around. When he goes, there is a high chance I won't be long behind him.

I think the biggest change in things, is just how crappy the world has gotten since my last post. I don't even mean for me specifically, I just mean the world as a whole. Honestly, I look around at everything going on, and as much as I miss my gramps, I'm glad he isn't around to see what his hard work and the sacrifices of others was for. I know damn well he'd hate this place as much as I do.

Not a very happy blog entry for a return, but it got you caught up to speed and I might go ahead and make posts going into more detail about things at another time. I just wanted to hit the bases all in one go and go from there. I have to hop off here to get ready for work, but I'll pop back later.

 Take care everyone, and hold your loved ones dear.

Guess who's back... Back again... Lily's back, tell some friends

I really need to stop going so long without updating you guys about what's going on... For those of you who have stuck around during the accidental hiatus, thank you very much, and I'm sorry for the long break, it will be explained. This entry is going to explain a bit, and it'll be short-ish for now, but I am going to be updating more.

Alright, so I guess I should begin with the fact that I officially have my laptop back from the pawn shop after almost a year of it being in there.  I put it in there on 10-17-13 and got it out on 9-12-14. I hadn't planned on getting it out when I did but Nojuan's laptop won't even turn on anymore, so I had to get mine out ASAP.

Dylan is no longer my manager and hasn't been since May, maybe June at the latest, because he couldn't handle all of the crap Jenny was putting him through. Kandice became my manager and we'll talk more about her in the next entry. My new manager is... Tanner. I mentioned him forever ago and I didn't like him much then, but now I do. Again, that's a discussion for the next entry.

One thing I want to talk about involving Tanner though, is the fact that under his leadership I have become one of the store's assisstant managers! I'm actually on the track to becoming a GM for Domino's, and I only need to learn schedule making and how to do the Profit and Loss (PNL) paperwork at the end of every week. Other than that I'm almost a store manager and I have Tanner of all people to thank for that.

I need to get back into blogging because I found out that I have a personality disorder, ontop of my PTSD, and my shrink suggested I get back into blogging because it will be a therapy for when I can't see her. So, the app has been downloaded on my phone again and I'm going to update more often.

I have some stuff I need to do tonight so I have to cut this short, but as I said, I will be updating more often now.

Signing off,
Lily

I just need to get this out there really quickly because I have stuff to do, but I just found out that Gary Oldman played Mason Verger in Hannibal.... My brain just exploded.

I'll be back later.

Signing off,
Lily

I have to talk about this... A friend of mine has been openly Transgendered since '06, and I'm happily the one he chose to come out to before everyone else. We had only been friends for 9 years at the time, and we're still friends, going on year 17 as of this June. I would not change one thing about him. He is my friend, no matter what he is because of who he is.

Until he came out to me, I honestly didn't know there was such a thing as Trans, because I was raised in a horrible home. Racism, homophobia, ignorance. It was all constantly shoveled down my throat but none of it stuck because my Grandfather made sure it didn't. From the time he came out to me, I accepted my friend, and something else happened...

I felt my heart break when certain events came from his coming out. It showed me what some Trans people go through with their friends and families, and I cried. I didn't just cry for him, I cried for others like them. I feel so horrible that those out there have to live in bodies not right for them just because their genetics went wonky on them and threw a curve ball they weren't expecting. I hate what all of them have to go through because it's not fair dammit.

And then today.... I found out that the people I have been fighting for, and standing besides, have started a new movement. Cishet hate... Why? Yeah, some of us are assholes and treat them like shit, but there are people like me. People who stick by them and protect them as much as we can.

I know not all Trans-folk are like that, but to those that are, why do this? There are plenty of support groups out there, and plenty of people who love you. You don't want people to hate you for how you were born, why do it to someone else? People on both sides of the line need to stop this kind of stupid behavior and accept one another as we wish others would accept us.

Signing off,
Lily